my name is atlas marion durnham and I am in love.
by Atlas M. Durnham
Try and I sort of together simply for lack of reason not to be. Hair has feelings for me but will not tell me so I shall pretend I do not know.
When someone asks me what is wrong, who’s wrong do I account for?
What is wrong for me may well be right for many others. I do not think I have the right to answer that sort of question.
Saturday - Night (2)
Cassie doesn’t talk to me now. She doesn’t reply to my texts and she has blocked me on every social network. She doesn’t answer my calls. But when we are at a party she’ll she it suitable to talk to me and dance with me and hold my hand and ask for a cigarette. It makes me want to cry.
I have new friends now. I’ve grown part from my old friends. I want her to be a part of me again. I have had a few episodes, I’ve just wanted to escape, just wanted to pack and leave. I do now. I want to live in my car, in the woods, and eat what the city people throw away, and live on the edge.
I am so alone even around people.
Hours Outside In The Snow - Modern Baseball
Saturday - Night
So I was in hospital from Sunday to Tuesday, the cuts were superficial but I’m officially crazy. I have a councillor. Sade doesn’t get it but Cassie does and that hurts because I can only properly talk to her when he is not around.
Hair doesn’t seem to care and I don’t talk to Try really. Once was going to come round today but decided to spend more time with his girlfriend.
Wednesday morning Fon came round. I’ve been friends with her forever and she acts all tough and she’s in this awful relationship. He doesn’t hit her but he’s very mean and he’s the only person she won’t stand up to. Anyway she came round and cried and it was nice to know she cared.
This morning I shouted at my gran and everyone got upset. She was trying to make me feel guilty, tried to make me apologise for spitting at my step dad after he had tried to haul me out the car, pushed me to the ground, pulled my hair and punched me on Sunday before I went to the hospital. I screamed and she cried.
I walked to my old house, my parents’, no one was in so I washed the dishes for them. I got two good books (balls I’ve forgotten my books) and got the bus to town.
I bought a bottle of wine, ten cigarettes and a lighter. I drank and smoked and listened to music and asked.. let’s all her Isla. Asked Isla to come to my shed. Oh I have a shed that was once full of doors which now has comfy chairs and candles.
I tucked my books behind an old shelf and we talked. It was nice and I would have kissed her if I wasn’t so broken.
We went to Costa (not before I had ran back and got my books) and I had a hot chocolate, we each had a caramel shortbread.
We went to Tesco and I put my books in her bag to pay. She went home with my books.
I met Cassie in the library and she cried a bit and I would have kissed her if I wasn’t so broken, and she wasn’t so unsingle. She said Sade didn’t understand this kind of thing. “I do”, I wanted to say, “I do and I want you badly when you are away”.
She’s said she loves me, I’ve said it back, we are in love but in a soulmate connection sort of way. I want her to be a part of me as much as I want a relationship.
She held my hand and we walked. We bought some crisps and went to the school where her sister had parents evening. I bid her farewell.
I was in luck; the bus I needed just pulled up to the stop as I arrived. I boarded and went to my grandparent’s. I are a cold chicken leg and grandad mumbled at me for making gran cry but said it in a roundabout old person way. He was trying to be nice. I respected that.
I drank some milk and picked some scabs and here I am.
Australia - The Shins
Thursday - Night
Most of last night was spent walking up a mountain. I tried to cave my head in with a rock but I was too weak. I have bruises and they hurt.
I took off all my clothes and lay there, hoping to die of cold. I wrote my notes then made one call. She told me everything would be okay but I didn’t believe it.
I told her I missed her and I needed her. I said I wish I could turn back time to the moments before I broke up with her.
She just said she was sorry. That hurt more than the rock. That tore me up.
I got home and carved into my wrist. I wanted to die. I wanted to bleed out, but I’m too pathetic. I couldn’t do it deep enough, I bled, but I am still alive.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I had a nightmare in the same vein and the last, I lost everyone. I lost her. Then I took my life.
My parents can’t see these cuts. They will and that worries me. I’m sad.
Currently I am in bed. Light seeping in my tie dye curtain. Wishing I was somewhere, anywhere, else.
Sunday - Morning
I am rather drunk, I have only had a bottle of wine but like most days recently I have and empty stomach.
I feel if I talk to her now I will say something I should not but it is the perfect excuse I suppose.
I have started reading TFiOS. I prefer LFA to be honest, and I would rather that to have been made into a film. And Evan Peters should’ve played Augustus Waters. But I am in no position to make that kind of decision.
My head is swimming again and my knees are weak. My heart is hollow. What can I do. I can’t. So I write. And maybe one day when I have jumped from a building, or fallen from the rafters with itchy rope wrapped snugly around my neck, maybe then she will miss me.
If I do kill myself I will fill a whole notebook writing to all the people who I know well, that could be a book in it’s own right.
Cass is so perfect in every way and even with her imperfections I would kill to have her for my own. We have more in common than her and Sade. That hurts.
Of course there are other girls, one I shall call Hair and one I shall call Try. Hair has the most fantastic hair that collides with great vigour down her back. She has bulimia and I wish I could save her. She is complicated. She likes me but there’s something that prevents her from wanting me in that way and I figured long ago I cannot break that barrier.
Try tries very hard. Tries to laugh the loudest, to talk the most, and tries to be the most interesting. Try tries and that’s sad because she needn’t do so. She has a good taste in books and music and she is very pretty. I just wish she wouldn’t try so hard.
My best friend, I shall call him Once, is slowly fading from me to his girlfriend whom I shall call Snow.
I just want to die.
I want an off switch.
I am very sad.
Saturday - Evening
I have some new headphones. This is good because I really do not know what I would do without music. It keeps everything tangible. Phantom Planet are really quite a remarkable band, their demos are very good, I love their Negatives albums.
I am tired. Cassandra is not doing very well. I want her to be better but I’m not sure if I can make that happen from my current position.
My family and I are dining in Wetherspoons so I don’t have much time, I just had no one else to talk to.
I like chicken burgers, chicken burgers and Phantom Planet.
Saturday - Afternoon
I had a nightmare last night. I woke up in a cold sweat at 4:40, my breathing was rapid and shallow and my vision was twisted. I dreamed about a holiday. We were each booking our own cottages, or so I thought, but they had actually got one for them, and I was in one on my own. Sade would not let me look at Cassandra. He walked away with her. All my friends followed suit, blocking her off from me. I though she was crying but I could not tell.I started to cry and I ran from them, to the cottage they were all sharing and I hung myself.
i woke in tears i wished i was deadthat is how it would happen, even not in my head
When I awoke my stereo was still playing; Phantom Planet, The Shins or Brand New, I do not recall. I did not get out of bed until 8:40, I just sat on my computer watching Supernatural and eating old Pringles.That brings me to now. If anything interesting happens I shall write again this evening.
Saturday - Morning
Today I was very upset. I’m very sad a lot these days. I want to die and do not enjoy very much, my current hobbies include not being okay and faking being okay.I have no lessons on Fridays except for last period so I had pretty much exactly nothing to do. Cassandra texted me half way through first period saying she was free and in the library, I went to see her and as we spoke she started crying. She held my hand. I like it very much when she holds my hand. She told me she couldn’t tell what was real and what was not. I held her hand tighter, I want her to know I am real. I am quite willing to be her anchor, I want to keep her grounded. I don’t think I could cope if she left. Like the big leave.
if she died i would follow suit
I want to die and she needs me for her to be okay, but I still have this feeling that she would not follow my lead like I would hers. Although this is good, for I do not want her dead, I do wish she would not pretend otherwise.I think a lot about launching myself off buildings, tall ones. Is it bad that I think about doing it with her?
I could have worked tonight but I turned it down, I instead went to Pizza Hut with my family and collected my wages. I played video games until fairly late and then sat on here. And that’s about Friday.